I am doing my damnest to maintain my health and mental wellness. I don’t have a timetable, just an urgent need to not fail this time. I need to see proof that all is moving in the right direction. Appointments, ultrasounds, blood panels, and follow-up appointments, it’s all part of a team effort, one that I respect and understand a bit better this time around. My body can’t withstand my fucking around with it anymore. The effects of diabetes and high cholesterol will be savage. Plus, I don’t want to shorten what can still be a fulfilling life. My brain, however, is not limitless in its capacity to be creative at the moment.

I know I can’t shirk certain realities as a producer/interviewer in my other life. But I understand the importance of boundaries, of not continually accepting projects to further someone else’s agenda.
The need to evolve in this pandemic reality continues to weigh heavily on my mind. I am stumbling through so many emotions as I sort out what path I want to follow with the clarity struggling to make its way forward. It needn’t be something dramatic; that’s not real life. No, a simple lane change would do me good. I don’t think I have the resources for a total reset. But, a subtle shift away from what the status quo could mean, preserving the wellness balance that many of us deserve to pursue today.

Watching people who stand by you as your inspiration to move forward is curious. They can also be the most terrified once they see you want to move forward. It’s even harder when they fear you want to move away from them. But it is a necessary choice when rebuilding yourself to become the person you were meant to be.

Now I sit with different faces
In rented rooms and foreign places
All the people I was kissing
Some are here and some are missing
In the nineteen-nineties

I never dreamt that I would get to be
The creature that I always meant to be

From “Being Boring,” written by Chrstopher Lowe & Neil Tennant of Pet Shop Boys

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s